Lemma Reviews

[h1] "Parkour Party: The Lemma Struggle Chronicles"[/h1] Scene: A dimly lit room with mismatched chairs, a projector screen, and a CRT TV. The eclectic cast sits around a makeshift table littered with energy drinks, grappling hooks, and pizza boxes. Tommy Wiseau: Oh hi, everyone! Thank you for joining my parkour party! Today we play game called LEM-MA! It’s like… The Room, but you run on walls and fall into voids. Shakespeare: Is this a tale of woe or triumph? Methinks I shall soon know. Yet already, the yawning void dost call to me, and I am afeared. Lil Jon: (smashing an energy drink can against his forehead) LET'S GO, BABY! YEAH! PARKOUR! WHAAAT?! Arnold Schwarzenegger: (grabbing a controller) I will conquer this game! I will terminate the void! Faith (from Mirror’s Edge): (crossing her arms) If the parkour’s clunky, I’m walking out. Let’s see if this game respects the craft. Mario: Mamma mia! Let’s-a go! (jumps in excitement, hits his head on a low-hanging light) Luigi: Mario, watch out! This game’s voids are-a much worse than lava! Bowsette: (leaning back, unimpressed) If this game doesn’t let me dominate, it’s over. Booette: (floating ominously) I just want it to be spooky… not because I fell into the void for the 27th time. Peach: I’m intrigued by the story. Does anyone get kidnapped? (side-eyes Daphne) Daphne (from Die Young): (groaning) If I see one well or another hostile enemy, I’m uninstalling. Rosalina: (staring at the screen calmly) Let us begin. I wish to unravel its mysteries, even if they frustrate us. The projector flickers to life, and the group starts playing "Lemma." The first level unfolds with its voxel landscapes and cryptic objectives. Tommy Wiseau: (narrating as Mario repeatedly falls into a void) Oh no! Mario, you die again! This is very sad… and also very confusing. Where are we supposed to go? Shakespeare: Aye, these endless chasms bring forth thoughts of Hamlet: "To jump or not to jump, that is the question." Alas, the answer is always death. Lil Jon: (slamming buttons) WHY’S THIS SO HARD?! WHAAAT?! I FELL AGAIN! YEAH… no, not yeah. Faith: (managing a perfect wall-run) Okay, the parkour can feel smooth, but the level design is fighting me every step of the way. Why is there so much void? Arnold Schwarzenegger: I am trying to run and build, but the walls—they don’t listen! I need more control! Where is the precision? Bob the Builder: (looking at the collapsing platforms and enemies destroying blocks) Can we build it? No, apparently we can’t, because this game keeps breaking everything! Mario: (frustrated after another fall) Mamma mia! There’s-a no power-ups, no-a checkpoints! Luigi, help-a me! Luigi: (picking up the controller cautiously) This game doesn’t want to help, Mario. It wants-a you to suffer! Bowsette: (destroying enemies with style) Okay, I’m carrying this team. But seriously, these enemies are ruining the vibe. It’s supposed to be parkour, not combat training. Booette: (glitching through a wall and getting stuck) I love breaking things, but this game broke me. Peach: (carefully solving a puzzle) The story has potential, but it’s buried under frustration. I want to explore, but the controls are exhausting. Rosalina: (observing thoughtfully) The atmosphere is profound, yet the mechanics betray its ambition. A world of wonder should not be built on shaky footing. Daphne: (sighing as she dodges an enemy explosion) This isn’t exploration; it’s punishment. Why are these enemies here? They’re completely unnecessary. The group finishes the session, some nursing bruised egos and others glaring at the projector like it’s an enemy. Tommy Wiseau: (shaking his head) Oh hi, frustration. This game is like my movie: it has good ideas, but it is very confusing. Shakespeare: The void shall haunt my dreams. “What light through yonder voxel breaks?” ’Tis an exploding enemy, here to ruin my journey. Lil Jon: (throwing his controller) WHAAAT?! NO THANK YOU! Arnold Schwarzenegger: This game needs more precision, more guidance, and less falling! I will terminate it… with uninstall. Bob the Builder: A lot of potential here, but it’s as if they built half the house and forgot the roof. Faith: Great concept, bad execution. It wants to be "Mirror’s Edge," but it’s tripping over itself. Mario: (waving a hand in frustration) I’m-a done. Luigi, take-a the controller. Luigi: Nope. I’m-a not touching it again. Bowsette: (smirking) I’ll take this game over, fix it, and make it playable. You’re welcome. Booette: It’s already dead to me. Peach: The story is intriguing, but I can’t endure the mechanics any longer. Rosalina: A thought-provoking experiment, but an unfinished one. I respect its ambition, though not its execution. Daphne: If I wanted frustration, I’d replay my own game. I’m out. Fade to black as the group unanimously agrees to move on to another game. End title card: "Parkour Party: When the Void Wins" [hr] [h1]"A Leap Too Far"[/h1] In a world of blocks where shadows dance, A dream takes shape, a fleeting chance. Atmosphere whispers, the music hums, A tale unfolds, though silence drums. Its concept, bold as the morning light, To craft through movement, to build mid-flight. A story woven with care and grace, In this voxel void, a solemn space. Yet ambition stumbles where gameplay begins, For wall-jumping here feels like cardinal sins. Platforming punished by death’s embrace, Frustration etched on each player’s face. Oh, parkour dream, so often betrayed, By clunky controls, by paths not laid. Exploration teased, yet seldom won, The journey unclear, the joy undone. Mirror’s Edge, a shining star, Still leaps the highest, still soars afar. Die Young, too, carves a smoother way, Where Lemma falters and shadows play. Enemies prowl, their purpose unclear, Breaking the calm, birthing fear. What could have been a tranquil run, Becomes a battle, the peace undone. Yet pause a moment, reflect on the whole, For Lemma’s beauty lingers, its heart and soul. The void may claim, but it cannot erase, The creativity born in this voxel space. To the dreamers who built this voxel sky, Your ambition soars, though it cannot fly. Take these lessons, refine your art, And build anew with a stronger heart. [hr] [h1]Honest Trailer: [b]Die-Lemma[/b] – The Dilemma of Dying a LOT in Lemma[/h1] Narrator (with dramatic voice): In a world where parkour meets the void, prepare to face your greatest challenge: surviving... in Die-Lemma. Meet a game that promises fluid, creative movement and an atmosphere to get lost in... but not in the way you hoped. With a bold concept of building structures just by running, wall-jumping, and smashing, you’ll soon find yourself building more frustration than platforms. As you dive headfirst into the world of voxel chaos, you'll discover a breathtaking environment filled with mystery, gorgeous music, and a non-linear story that really wants you to feel something—anything... other than rage. But wait! You thought parkour in first-person was fun, didn’t you? Think again. Wall-jumping in this game is a sin, and platforming through a void will test your patience like never before. One wrong move and you’ll plummet into the abyss for the umpteenth time. Welcome to Die-Lemma, where dying isn’t just an option, it’s an expectation. But don’t fret! The game also gives you time trials and a built-in level editor to make you feel like you're in control… except you’re not. The enemies are as confusing as the path you’re supposed to take, and they’ll wreck your hard-earned progress like it’s nothing. Despite the killer gameplay, Die-Lemma delivers a fantastic atmosphere, great music, and ambitious ideas that keep you wanting more—if only to see the dream of a perfect parkour experience that might one day exist. Die-Lemma: The game that teaches you patience, creativity, and the eternal art of falling… over… and over… and over again.