Future Wars Reviews

[h1][b]Advance Wars Declares War On Future Wars: When the Past Judges the Future[/b][/h1] [hr] [i]Orange Star's finest—and their frenemies—gather to play a turn-based strategy game that promises to be the future of tactical warfare. What follows is a hilarious disaster.[/i] [hr] [h1][b]Act 1: The Great Gaming Summit[/b][/h1] [b]Scene:[/b] The Orange Star Lounge. Tables are piled high with snacks, and a dusty game box labeled [i]Future Wars[/i] sits ominously at the center. Andy beams with excitement. [b]Andy:[/b] "Alright, everyone, you’re in for a treat! I found this new strategy game: [i]Future Wars[/i]! It’s got tanks, infantry, and the FUTURE!" [b]Kanbei:[/b] [stroking his beard] "A game about the future, you say? It will surely be a tale of grandeur and valor!" [b]Max:[/b] "Valor schm-valor. I’m here for one thing—EXPLOSIONS. Let’s go!" [b]Sasha:[/b] "I’m skeptical. A poorly balanced economy could ruin this entire experience." [b]Lash:[/b] [gleefully spinning in a chair] "Ooh, FUTURE tech! I bet there are lasers! I hope it’s filled with chaos!" [b]Rachel:[/b] [encouragingly] "Let’s give it a chance! Who knows? Maybe it’ll surprise us." [b]Hawke:[/b] [calmly sipping tea] "Surprises are rarely pleasant." [b]Sonja:[/b] "I’m curious about the AI’s complexity. A strategic challenge would be welcome." [b]Grit:[/b] [leaning back, adjusting his hat] "Don’t get your hopes up too high, y’all. We might just be shootin’ blanks." [b]Nell:[/b] [cheerfully] "No matter what, let’s all try to have fun, okay?" [b]Lash:[/b] "Speak for yourself. I’m here to break the game!" [hr] [h1][b]Act 2: First Impressions[/b][/h1] Andy boots up the game. A garish menu with clunky sounds appears. [b]Sasha:[/b] [grimacing] "Oh no. The font looks like it was designed by someone with a grudge against readability." [b]Sonja:[/b] "The options menu is... barebones. This doesn’t bode well." [b]Kanbei:[/b] "The presentation lacks honor! It is unworthy of such a noble theme." [b]Lash:[/b] "It’s PERFECT. Look at those tacky hover tanks! I love how dumb they look!" [b]Grit:[/b] [snorting] "Hover tanks that look like my grandma’s old vacuum cleaner? Yeehaw." [b]Nell:[/b] [optimistically] "Let’s not judge a game by its interface! The gameplay could be amazing!" [b]Hawke:[/b] "A naive perspective." [hr] [h1][b]Act 3: The Battle Begins[/b][/h1] The game loads its first mission: a barren map with unremarkable terrain. [b]Andy:[/b] "Okay, here’s the plan—hover tanks advance, infantry follow, and—" [b]Max:[/b] "Forget the plan, Andy! Just rush in!" [b]Kanbei:[/b] "Rush? A true warrior approaches battle with precision and poise!" [b]Grit:[/b] "I’d wager my boots this AI couldn’t out-think a barrel of hay." The enemy AI moves haphazardly, sending units into danger without any logic. [b]Sonja:[/b] "It’s as I feared. The AI follows a basic script. There’s no adaptation or tactical nuance." [b]Rachel:[/b] "I guess that explains why they didn’t bother adding difficulty options..." [b]Hawke:[/b] "Trivial. I grow bored already." [b]Lash:[/b] [laughing maniacally] "Are you kidding?! It’s so bad, it’s hilarious!" [b]Olaf:[/b] [eyeing the AI troops] "Those tanks look like they were built with snowflakes instead of metal! Bah! It’s an embarrassment!" [b]Eagle:[/b] [dramatically folding his arms] "In all my years, I’ve never seen such a lack of tactical brilliance. Even I could do better than this." [b]Jess:[/b] "And it’s not even fun to break. The units are about as exciting as watching paint dry. There’s no flair!" [b]Jake:[/b] "I’m all for efficiency, but this is just lazy." [hr] [h1][b]Act 4: Frustration Mounts[/b][/h1] Several missions in, the group grows increasingly frustrated. [b]Sasha:[/b] "I can’t believe it. The economy is completely broken. You don’t need to plan anything. Units are practically free!" [b]Lash:[/b] "Well, no complaints here. The more units, the better! Just send them all!" [b]Rachel:[/b] "Yeah, but it’s more like spamming than strategy. There’s no reason to manage anything." [b]Grimm:[/b] [cackling] "I love it! More chaos, more destruction! Screw economy!" [b]Max:[/b] "Finally, someone gets it. I’m all about the chaos, baby!" [b]Grit:[/b] "Ya know, I’m just glad I’m not the one who has to explain why this game is such a mess." [b]Kanbei:[/b] [disappointed] "This ‘game’ dishonors my tactical prowess! It’s an abomination!" [b]Sensei:[/b] "Even I’m baffled by how they managed to make something this... unrefined." [b]Olaf:[/b] "Bah! I’d rather build an igloo than play this!" [b]Hawke:[/b] "This is the future? If this is the future, we are doomed." [b]Jake:[/b] "The interface is as clunky as a rusted tank. Do they not know how to optimize anything?" [b]Jess:[/b] "The UI is the least of our problems, Jake. The whole game feels... lifeless." [b]Eagle:[/b] [crossing his arms] "If this is the future of warfare, I’ll take a glorious past any day." [hr] [h1][b]Act 5: The Final Showdown (Spoiler: It’s a Disaster)[/b][/h1] As the game draws near its final mission, the COs are utterly fed up. [b]Andy:[/b] "Okay, let’s just finish this and get it over with. Final mission, team!" [b]Sasha:[/b] "This is going to be a disaster. Look at this—units spawn like crazy, and the map is totally devoid of any tactical challenge." [b]Kanbei:[/b] "This mission is an insult to warfare. A real leader would not have allowed this to happen!" [b]Lash:[/b] "Well, I’m having a blast. More lasers, more tanks, more chaos! This is the future I’m talking about!" [b]Eagle:[/b] "No, Lash, this is the absurd future. It’s not strategic; it’s a circus." [b]Max:[/b] [cheerfully] "I’m just smashing everything at this point. This game is like a toddler’s first attempt at strategy." [b]Grit:[/b] "Ya know, I can’t tell if this is a trainwreck or a rollercoaster of pain." [b]Sensei:[/b] "I’m done. No more. This game lacks discipline, and it shows." [b]Hawke:[/b] "Honestly, I could just gift this to Flak. He wouldn’t know the difference. He’d probably call it the best game ever and then burn it." [b]Lash:[/b] "I think he’d just eat the cartridge. He wouldn’t even realize it’s not food." [b]Olaf:[/b] [grumbling] "He’s an idiot, but at least he’d enjoy it more than we did." [b]Max:[/b] "Yeah, he would find some way to make this fun, even if it’s by blowing things up." [b]Rachel:[/b] [laughing] "I feel like Flak would enjoy the random chaos. Probably the only one who could make sense of this mess." [b]Grit:[/b] "Well, we’ve survived this... Let’s see if Wargroove is a breath of fresh air—or another tactical disaster." [b]Jess:[/b] "Let’s see if the future can redeem itself with something fun!" [b]Sasha:[/b] "I’m intrigued. This better be worth the switch." [b]Kanbei:[/b] "Let’s see if this Wargroove has any semblance of honor." [b]Grit:[/b] "I just hope it doesn’t have hover tanks. If it’s a trainwreck, I’ll get my popcorn." [b]Rachel:[/b] "Alright, guys, next round. Let’s wipe the slate clean." [b]Nell:[/b] "Onward to Wargroove! And please, let it be better than this." [hr] [h1][b]Recipe for Disappointment: Future Wars Edition[/b][/h1] [b]Ingredients[/b]: - [i]1 poorly designed interface[/i] (bonus points for unreadable font) - 3 cups of [i]broken economy[/i] (units for pennies) - A pinch of [i]predictable AI[/i] (tank rush, no strategy) - 2 tablespoons of [i]lifeless gameplay[/i] - 1 final mission that’s more [i]“toddler’s first strategy”[/i] than tactical - [i]Frustration[/i] to taste [hr] [b]Instructions[/b]: 1. Open Future Wars and immediately regret it. 2. Stir in a clunky interface and a splash of AI chaos. 3. Add the broken economy—who needs strategy when units are free? 4. Mix in hours of dull gameplay. 5. Finish with a final mission so easy it’s almost insulting. 6. Serve to friends for maximum shared disappointment. [hr] [b]Enjoy[/b]—or, more accurately, don’t.