GOCCO OF WAR Reviews

[i][h2]Gears of War Takes on Gocco of War[/h2] [Scene: The Gears of War crew—Marcus Fenix, Dom Santiago, Baird, Cole, Anya Stroud, and Sam Byrne—are gathered around a console in their war-torn base. They’ve just booted up Gocco of War. The screen shows vibrant, cartoonish graphics. The gang stares at the screen like someone just told them locusts have feelings.] Marcus Fenix: [leaning forward with a scowl] What in the ever-loving hell is this? It’s like Gears of War tried to join a Saturday morning cartoon and got rejected. Dom Santiago: [gesturing at the screen] Who asked for this? This looks like Gears got drunk and hooked up with a kid’s art project. Where’s the grit? The gore? The war? Sam Byrne: [snorting] You mean the adorable little characters with giant heads aren’t doing it for you, Dom? [She presses a button and her in-game avatar waves cheerfully.] Look! Even the taunts are cute! Baird: [trying to navigate the menu] Cute is not the problem, Sam. The controls are. I’ve seen better responsiveness from my toaster. Look at this aiming—it's like trying to draw a straight line on a sinking boat. Anya Stroud: [attempting to rotate her character] Wait, is it just me, or is there like a two-second lag on everything? I press a button, and my character looks like it’s asking permission to move. Cole Train: [laughing] Yo! Look at my guy flossing! Forget Gears of War, this is Dance Dance Revolution! [He slaps the controller as his character does another goofy dance.] Marcus: [deadpan] Great. Can’t shoot, but at least we can humiliate ourselves before dying. Dom: [frustrated] You mean we can’t sprint? What kind of “war” is this? I’m moving slower than an old COG tank that’s run outta gas. Sam: [pointing at her screen] Oh, it gets better. Look at my AI partner. Just… standing there. I think they’re contemplating the meaning of life or trying to remember how to walk. Baird: [dryly] AI? You mean Artificial Incompetence. I’ve seen traffic cones with more strategic sense. Anya: [trying to reload her weapon] Oh no, my gun just stopped working. What, did it decide it’s pacifist now? Sam: [sarcastic tone] Nah, it’s the game teaching us to embrace non-violence. Just punch the bad guys. That’ll work. Marcus: [throwing up his hands] Non-violence? We’re soldiers! It’s in the job description to violence. And the name—“Gocco of War”? Sounds like a knock-off cereal. “Now with 50% less flavor and 100% more regret!” Dom: [grimacing] Yeah, and the combat’s about as exciting as eating stale crackers. Every fight feels like déjà vu, like they just copied and pasted the same boring enemies over and over. Cole: [chuckling] At least you get to the fights. I spent ten minutes trying to open a door. A DOOR. You gotta pump air into it like you’re inflating a pool toy, and then—surprise—it still doesn’t open. Baird: [crossing his arms] I glitched through a wall to get past that. It’s not skill; it’s desperation. This game’s QA team must’ve been on vacation. Sam: [smirking] Or maybe they hired toddlers. I mean, it would fit the theme. Anya: [shrugging] The worst part is, there’s a hint of something interesting in the story. But you spend so much time wrestling with broken mechanics that you just stop caring. Marcus: [grinning sarcastically] Yup. Real inspiring stuff: “Fight bad AI, buggy controls, and existential dread.” Sounds like a real war simulation to me. Cole: [waving his arms in-game again] Hey! I just unlocked another dance move. Look at me go! If we can’t kill the enemies, we can at least embarrass them. Baird: [rolling his eyes] The enemies are probably laughing at us. “Oh no, the humans are dancing. Guess we better go easy on them.” Dom: [throwing his controller down] You know what? I’d rather chainsaw a Locust in the face than play one more minute of this. Marcus: [nodding] Let’s get back to fighting real wars. At least those make sense. [The group bursts into laughter, shuts off the console, and leaves the room. The screen lingers on the colorful characters, frozen in a glitchy dance loop, and a mocking “Game Over” message appears.] Marcus: [off-screen] Hey, someone call Epic. We’ve got a new definition for “tactical disaster.” [End Scene][/i]