Emiko's Pledge Reviews

On the Simpsons, Mr. Burns actually attempts the idiom "Give a thousand monkeys a thousand type writers and soon the will write the greatest novel." Burns' monkeys get close, with a near Dickensian line, substituting 'blurst' for 'worst.' I feel like this game was coded by a thousand monkeys at a thousand keyboards, and 'blurst' best describes it. The grammar, syntax, continuity, and tense in the story are all problematic from the first word. The story is so cringe worthy that you should skip it entirely. Awful writing. The game itself is terrible, but it fakes being a good in a way that is obvious that a three year old would be able to identify. The game is full of cheap deaths, due to poorly designed control inputs and poorly designed gaming in general. Bullets barely hurt you, but come within 6 inches of a fire pit and you will die instantly. Jumping is ludicrous, with double jumping available from the get-go, but it only works about 75% of the time. The worst part comes when trying to jump at the top of the screen. Even on levels that are set in an outdoor environment, with no obstacles above your head, if you touch the top of the screen, it acts like you smashed your head on a ledge and inevitably knocks you down into an instant death pit. Enemy bullets will travel clear across the level, from the farthest reaches, causing instant death on a certain level where you need to keep an NPC safe. That overall isn't a bad thing, but your bullets DON'T DO the same thing! As soon as they leave the edge of the screen, they are gone. The control scheme is beyond ridiculous. The stupidest buttons are chosen for important actions. RB is your fire button. Not the right trigger, but the right bumper. Who thought that was a good idea??!?!??? The menu can only be navigated by the directional pad, NOT the left stick, but the player's character can only be moved by the left stick! STUPID! The level 14 boss has so many issues. The most egregious of which is that his health is much more than is indicated by the bar on screen. You empty the bar and he still isn't dead. You shoot him 5,000 more times (with RB!) and maybe he dies. Then you have to hope you can make it over several pits of death with the awful jumping mechanism. If not, instant death and try again, loser! This game has achievements, which is always a good thing, but the game can be completes 100% in an hour, and that is with the obnoxious deaths hampering you repeatedly. The best part? You can 100% the game's achievements and not finish the game! As soon as you hit level 15, the last achievement unlocks and you are done. I didn't bother playing the last level. I didn't want to play this crap-fest another second! I uninstalled at that point and removed it from my library. I feel like I should get a refund of my $1.09 on principle alone! Do not buy.