Prison Tycoon 3™: Lockdown Reviews

So I bought Prison Tycoon 3: Lockdown on sale, thinking, “Oh cool, a prison management game. That could be interesting!” You know, get into the ethics of incarceration, run a humane facility, rehabilitate inmates— LOL. NOPE. What I got instead was Windows 98 vibes, a soundtrack made by someone’s cousin on a Casio keyboard, and gameplay that feels like trying to build IKEA furniture blindfolded during a house fire. First off, the interface? It looks like someone duct-taped Excel to MS Paint and yelled, “Ship it!” Buttons don’t do what you think. Menus close at random. I tried to rotate a cell block and accidentally erased half the cafeteria. Now 30 angry pixelated inmates are rioting over invisible food. And don’t get me started on the guards. These people are either narcoleptic or completely uninterested in preventing crime. I watched an inmate dig a tunnel, throw a shiv party, and start a book club on anarchism — all while my guard stood six feet away, staring at a wall like it owed him money. Prisoners? Half of them teleport through walls. The other half spontaneously combust with rage if the recreation yard doesn’t have enough benches. I tried to build a library to encourage rehabilitation. Guess what? They set it on fire. And then sued me for not putting enough toilets in the solitary cells. Meanwhile, your finances spiral into the void. Everything costs $10,000. You get paid $3. Rent is $1,000 a day. Are these prisons located in Manhattan?? Why does a bunk bed cost more than my college tuition? By the second hour, I had a prison with 97% unrest, 3 working toilets, 1 guard in a coma, and 12 fires — none of which I started. At one point, the power shut off, and instead of fixing it, the game told me “Morale is low.” Yeah, no kidding, Brenda — we haven’t had lights for 4 days. Also, “Lockdown”? More like Lock-joke. There’s no real simulation of anything. You don’t manage prisoners — you babysit angry AI gremlins in matching jumpsuits while the game crashes like it’s trying to escape with them. Final Rating: 💀 Sanity: 0/10 🚽 Working toilets: 1/10 🔥 Fire management: I am the fire now 👮‍♂️ Guard performance: Currently staring into the void 💸 Value for money: I paid $2 and still feel robbed Prison Tycoon 3: Lockdown isn’t a game — it’s a cry for help in software form. If you want to feel like a truly powerless warden presiding over a clown-college hellhole with collapsing walls and broken dreams, congratulations — your masterpiece awaits. Otherwise? Run. Run far. And remember: prison is temporary, but this game’s trauma is forever.