Ankh 2: Heart of Osiris Reviews

[h1]Dishonest Trailer for Ankh 2: Heart of Osiris[/h1] [Opening Scene: Ominous music plays over a desert landscape. The camera pans to a half-awake scarab lazily scuttling across the sand. Suddenly, upbeat Egyptian-style music kicks in.] Narrator (epic voice): From the developers of the first Ankh, who thought, “Hey, what if we made the same game but with more hieroglyphic puns?” comes a point-and-click sequel where you don’t point-and-click nearly as much as you facepalm-and-sigh! Screen flashes: "Ankh 2: Heart of Osiris" Narrator: Return to ancient Egypt—because someone decided it’s not complete without a sarcastic, down-on-his-luck protagonist, a missing artifact, and at least one camel joke. Meet Assil, the world’s unluckiest guy with great hair, who just wants to live a normal life but keeps getting dragged into saving Egypt because apparently, no one else qualified applied for the job. [Clip of Assil tripping over something dumb.] Assil (on screen): Why is it always me?! Narrator: This time, Assil must recover the Heart of Osiris, a mystical MacGuffin™️ that’s so powerful even the game doesn’t really explain why you need it. Along the way, you’ll reunite with old friends, like Thara, the self-proclaimed best sidekick ever who’s basically Assil’s walking to-do list... [Clip of Thara being bossy.] Thara (on screen): Honestly, could you try not being useless for once? Narrator: ...and Osiris, the god who’s somehow both terrifying and incredibly petty. [Clip of Osiris monologuing dramatically.] Osiris: Bow before me! Or, I don’t know, bring me coffee or something. I’m not picky. Narrator: Solve puzzles so bizarre you’ll wonder if ancient Egyptians secretly invented LSD! From Why does this crocodile need a carrot? to How many times can one guy drop his keys in one day? [Montage of Assil struggling to solve ridiculous puzzles.] Assil: I swear, if this mummy has another riddle... Narrator: Immerse yourself in stunning 2006 graphics that scream, “We had a budget!” featuring NPCs who blink like they’re processing a Windows update, environments that range from “gorgeous” to “Oops, we reused that texture,” and voice acting so gloriously cheesy, you’ll question if anyone here ever actually met an Egyptian. [Clip of a camel sarcastically braying as Assil stumbles around.] Narrator: Experience a game so unapologetically silly that it embraces its flaws, serving up more dad jokes than you thought possible, and a protagonist who’s so over it, you’ll feel personally attacked. Assil (on screen): Great, another puzzle. Because saving the world wasn’t enough of a chore. Narrator: So, grab your sandals, brush up on your hieroglyphs, and get ready for a sequel that’s part adventure, part comedy, and all “Well, it was on sale.” [Final clip of Assil accidentally setting off a chain reaction that destroys an entire temple.] Assil (on screen): Oops. My bad. Narrator: Ankh 2: Heart of Osiris. It’s like Indiana Jones... if Indy forgot his hat, broke everything he touched, and had crippling self-doubt. [Text on screen: "Now available on Steam! And probably that bargain bin at your local game store."] Narrator (whispering): Seriously though, it’s kinda fun. [hr] [h1]Ryan George Style Pitch Meeting[/h1] Publisher: So, you have a video game for me? Game Designer: Yes, sir, I do! It’s called Ankh 2: Heart of Osiris! Publisher: Oh, is this a sequel? Game Designer: It sure is! Ankh 1 went so well that we thought, “Why not do it again but, like, slightly different?” Publisher: Oh, slight differences are tight. So what’s the story this time? Game Designer: Well, our hero, Assil, loses his ankh, and now he has to stop the god Osiris from doing bad stuff. Publisher: What kind of bad stuff are we talking about here? Game Designer: Oh, you know... god stuff. Turning people into zombies, taking over the world, that sort of thing. Publisher: Wow wow wow. Wow. Sounds very dangerous. How does Assil plan to stop him? Game Designer: By wandering around solving unrelated puzzles, obviously! Publisher: Oh, unrelated puzzles are super important in life-or-death situations. Game Designer: Exactly! Like, if you want to get into a locked room, you might have to find a bunch of objects, trade them to weird strangers, and eventually bribe a camel. Publisher: Bribing camels is tight! But wouldn’t it make more sense for Assil to just, you know, pick the lock or something? Game Designer: Well, yeah, but then we wouldn’t have a reason to make the players stare at random hieroglyphs for 20 minutes! Publisher: Fair enough. Publisher: So what’s new about this sequel? Game Designer: Oh, we’ve got tons of upgrades! For example, Assil now has a voice actor who’s really trying his best. Publisher: That’s good! Game Designer: And we’ve added Thara as a playable character, which is great because she spends the whole game reminding Assil that he’s a screw-up. Publisher: So, she’s the worst? Game Designer: She’s absolutely the worst. Publisher: Okay, but what’s the gameplay like? Game Designer: Oh, it’s super fun! Players will click on everything in the environment hoping something happens. Publisher: Sounds... tedious. Game Designer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience! Publisher: Oh, really? Game Designer: Yeah! Because we’ll also include hilarious dialogue that’s so cheesy it could single-handedly sustain the pizza industry. Publisher: I love it. So, what kind of puzzles are we talking about? Game Designer: Oh, the best kind! You know, like, “Combine this stick with this piece of string to make a fishing rod so you can catch a fish that you’ll trade for a key.” Publisher: Why would a fish get you a key? Game Designer: Because! Publisher: Oh my god. Publisher: And what’s Osiris like as a villain? Game Designer: Oh, he’s super evil, but also weirdly polite. Like, he’ll give you plenty of time to stop his plan instead of just, you know, killing you. Publisher: Very considerate! Publisher: So, does the story wrap up nicely? Game Designer: Oh, it definitely wraps up... in the third game. Publisher: Wait, so this sequel ends on a cliffhanger? Game Designer: Oh, absolutely. Gotta keep people hungry for more! Publisher: Well, okay then! Game Designer: Great! So, what do you think? Publisher: I think it’s bizarre, nonsensical, and wildly inefficient. Game Designer: Thank you! Publisher: I wasn’t finished— Game Designer: Thank you! Publisher: Well, okay then! Game Designer: Great! [End screen: Ankh 2: Heart of Osiris. Available now! Probably. Unless you need a fish first.] [hr] Oh, Ankh 2, a tale unfolds, Of dusty sands and treasures bold. Assil, a hero, with wit as his blade, Yet luckless and lost in the choices he’s made. He’s burdened now, his ankh misplaced, With danger and gods that he must face. Osiris looms, with his grand dark plan, While Assil stumbles, just one frazzled man. He barters and bargains through puzzles so strange, In a world where logic takes a curious range. "Here, take this fish," he pleads in despair, For a ladder, a key—whatever’s out there. Thara, his partner, sharp-tongued and unkind, Keeps him in line, though she’s got her own mind. Their bickering banter fills every quest, Yet somehow together, they’re simply the best. A camel stands guard, unyielding and sly, It won’t let you pass without a good bribe. "Why do I need this?" you question aloud, But the answers, dear player, are lost in the clouds. The puzzles confuse, the riddles confound, With objects mismatched and solutions unsound. But still, you persist through this wild charade, For Egypt awaits in the game that they’ve made. Osiris plots, his darkness grows near, But his patience for you is oddly sincere. He waits while you barter and wander around, Because villains, it seems, have time to be found.