HAM-MASTER Reviews

🚨 WARNING: "HAM MASTER" IS A GATEWAY TO HELL 🚨 I am not writing this review as a joke. I am not writing it as a simple critique of bad game design. I am writing this as a warning to humanity. DO NOT PLAY HAM MASTER. DO NOT INSTALL HAM MASTER. DO NOT EVEN SPEAK ITS NAME. For this game… is not a game. It is a cursed object, a gateway to the infernal abyss, a portal through which eldritch horrors seek passage into our world. I have seen things no mortal should see. I have fought demons with my bare hands. And I have paid the ultimate price—death itself. But I have returned to warn you. Please, heed my words. At first, Ham Master seemed innocent enough. A simple 2D platformer about a little hamster jumping on platforms. But within minutes, something felt… wrong. The controls were unnatural, unholy. Hammy moved as if possessed, his jumps erratic, his landings unpredictable. At times, he would move on his own. The music? A looping, demonic wail disguised as cheerful chiptune. And the level design? Designed not by a game developer, but by an agent of torment. Death pits, unavoidable spikes, platforms that vanish underfoot—all of it calculated to break the human spirit. And then… the whispers began. At first, faint. A distortion in the background audio. But the further I progressed, the louder they became. Voices in a language I did not recognize. Voices calling my name. I unplugged my headphones. The whispers continued. I muted my PC. They did not stop. And then, Level 6 happened. The game crashed. My PC screen flickered, and suddenly, Hammy was staring at me. Not the cute pixelated sprite from before. No. This Hammy was different. His eyes were black voids, swirling with cosmic malice. The text beneath his face read: "HE IS HERE." I tried to shut off my PC. It would not turn off. The power button did nothing. The screen began flashing arcane symbols. And then… my grandpa entered the room. He had seen my suffering and thought I was being overdramatic. He scoffed at my warnings and took my controller. “Looks cute,” he said. That was the last thing he said in his own voice. He began playing. Within twenty minutes, he was chanting in Latin. His eyes rolled back. He levitated. The room became unbearably cold. The symbols on the screen glowed red, pulsing in sync with my grandfather’s heartbeat. “THE DOOR HAS BEEN OPENED,” he intoned, his voice no longer his own. I knew what was happening. The game wasn’t just a game. It was a summoning ritual. A portal was being prepared. Hammy was not just a hamster. He was a harbinger. A being of incomprehensible darkness, seeking entry into the mortal plane. And then… the Devil himself appeared. I do not know how to describe his form. He was both there and not there. His presence was a void, a tearing of reality. He laughed, a sound that cracked my soul like shattered glass. I had no choice. I fought him. I lunged at the Devil, fists flying. He caught my punches with ease, his strength beyond mortal comprehension. But I refused to back down. If I did not stop him, Hammy would be free. We fought for what felt like centuries. Time lost meaning. We clashed across realms, our battle shaking the foundations of existence. I was on the verge of victory when… He struck me down. I died. My soul left my body. I felt myself drifting into the void. I saw realms beyond comprehension. I saw the abyss. I saw what lies beyond death. And then… I was revived. By what force, I do not know. Perhaps fate itself saw fit to give me another chance. Perhaps a higher power intervened. All I know is that I awoke, gasping for breath, my PC a smoking ruin. The game was gone. Erased. As if it had never existed. But I know the truth. Hammy is still out there. Waiting. And I fear… he will return. DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME. DO NOT INSTALL THIS GAME. DO NOT SPEAK ITS NAME. I have seen the darkness that lies within Ham Master. I have battled the Devil himself to stop it. But my fear? One day, someone else will play it. And next time… I may not be there to stop it. Final Verdict: 0/10. Would give it a negative score if I could. Burn it. Delete it. Flee.

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